La Famille Strange likes to get out and about in the world bringing it’s unique viewpoint to those who may be called “civilians” or to be nice locals.  “Nation shall speak peace unto nation”* is a noble idea but when the Stranges go out and about it is more like “tourists shall bring confusion and calamity upon the residents”.  Naturally it is always better to be able to speak a foreign language so I am proud to say I am fluent in English (inc. all scouse variants), French and of course Strange.  I class fluent as being able to speak without the “satellite zone” pause for translation purposes.  Mater can also speak French but has a unique capacity for saying what she wants but then not listening to the answer (not only in doing it in French either!).  This means that all orders in restaurants need to be double checked before you end up with Tripes au Caen (tripe in tomato sauce – disgusting) when you’d hoped to get salade au chevre chaud (goat’s cheese salad).  I’ve learnt that a visit to the toilet before the meal is ordered can lead to a horrifying and expensive meal.  The dogs rely on being cute which generally gets them what they want.  Mind you they like tripe!

Normally we drive to France for our holidays but sometimes we like to spoil ourselves and go elsewhere.  As a result I’ve been shouted at in New York by an irate pedestrian, nagged senseless in a Marrakech souk in order to get me to part with money for tat, watched Return of the Jedi with Spanish dubbing on Boxing Day whilst eating my own weight in Manchego cheese and pretended to be a religious affiliate to get 2 euros off the price of admission to the Sagrada Familia in Barcelona.  Surprisingly, my passport still works.

I’ve been to Barcelona 4 times over the past 20 years and visited the Sagrada Familia each time. It’s still not finished. Is this the ultimate expression of the Spanish “manana”? the gargoyles on it are particularly strange though – which I like.

For information the picture above of Marrakech Souk makes it look clean and a pleasant place to roam. It isn’t. The place smells of something best described as used and organic and you cannot walk past any stall without some man saying “Come buy my shoes/bags/kaftans/tagines/herbs/spices/argan oil/useless, useless tat” constantly or being knocked over by a tuk tuk or motorbike or bitten by a pissed off donkey. It’s not for me. It wasn’t strange. It was gross.

* The motto of the BBC

Here we are on Day 9 of the Lockdown. I’m slowly losing the will to live – thinking of throwing myself in front of anyone with a cough. No doubt to their astonishment.
I don’t know how people are managing.  Should there be a limit to the number of daytime quizzes you can put on the channels?  Surely people must be fed up of them by now?  And please Lord, no more Bargain Hunt. There are no bargains! It’s all a con. When I finally become Benevolent Dictatrix of the People’s Republic of Strange (BD of PRS) this will one of the first things I deal with.  That and making sure that people know their 75 times table to make Countdown easier.  Sensible policies for a sensible gulag! I think there is a growing movement for this kind of detail sorting.  I certainly hope so! 

As the putative BD of PRS I am, of course, concerned for my devoted citizens. I have shown my regard for them by failing to take delivery of a new phone, not recording a programme they wanted to see and using all the hot water so they can’t have a bath. With great power comes great responsibility or so I’ve been told. I have no experience of this as yet. I do have experience of screaming, crying and carrying on something woeful though.

I’m thinking of publishing my manifesto in the near future. When we finally get back to normality I may stand on a Strange ticket so you can all have the opportunity to vote for Strange Policies for a Stranger Britain. Until that point you may be sure that I will be keeping my Strange end up!

Remember stay safe and well and that this too will pass.

* The sun always shines in Stalag Strange – you should all know that

As usual when I contact any service provider I start off with the assumption that as they want us to use their websites more they will of course work properly. I am usually very disappointed in this assumption but it doesn’t stop me. Hope springs eternal in my breast…

I ordered a new mobile phone for Mater for Mother’s Day. An all singing, all dancing modern one! A Huawei 2019. The Chinese can listen into my mother all they want. It will only confuse them and set back international understanding decades. It will also teach them very idiomatic, scouse English. I did it online via EE’s website. I’m already paying for her Nokia Sh*te, a phone of little intrinsic value or use. It is too small for her to use, doesn’t take photos or connect to the internet but apart from that ok. It had also recently broken/refused to work/taken its ball home/user error – take your pick. Mater was involved – it could be any of the above or a mixture.

It arrived the day after Mother’s Day but didn’t come with a new sim card which I thought strange. The lockdown had been announced so when I tried to phone to request a new sim card I was put on hold for 45 minutes and as I was being constantly asked to go to the website to see if the answer was there, I did. This was a mistake as I now acknowledge. I found the appropriate page on the website and ordered the new sim card. I then received an email confirming the order and that the sim card would be sent out in 2 working days. So I waited…

When it hadn’t arrived after a week and constant nagging by Mater I phoned EE.! She was like a bird in captivity that only knows one phrase “Where’s my phone! Where’s my phone!” So I gave in. After 37 minutes I finally spoke to a real person; a very nice lady from Middlesborough. I explained the situation and was told that the sim card hadn’t been sent because they couldn’t marry up the addresses from the account to the ordering address DESPITE THE FACT THAT THEY WERE THE SAME! So to remedy this the boffins in the back room had sent a text to the phone. The same phone that needed a sim card!! The Brains Trust were obviously exhausted after all their good work and had retired for a lie down in a darkened corner with a damp cloth over their foreheads, in order to save their genius for the next problem.

Anyway the nice lady and myself had a little laugh about this as we sorted out a replacement sim card and a little refund for my trouble. So the moral of this story is: don’t use the website! Grit your teeth and phone up. Despite the time on the phone speaking to a real person will always work out better.

P.S. The sim card arrived the next day! I’m now trapped teaching Mater how to text…

So as we complete Week 1 of the Lockdown in the UK it may be time to take a quick look at the state of the nation. It is very important to remember that we are the nation of “Keep Calm and Carry On” writ large on cushions, tea towels and posters bringing back the spirit of the blitz and we’re all in it together sensibilities. The fact that the poster “Keep Calm and Carry On” was created and printed in case of a successful Nazi invasion in 1940 and never saw the light of day is immaterial. It speaks to us as the British Way of Life.

However, the reality is “Don’t you know there’s a war on?” has been replaced by “please keep 2 metres away, no further, further” whilst stood in a queue but feeling happy to be 2 inches from someone whilst your filling the trolley/basket. I won’t even go into toilet rolls, disinfectant, flour, sugar and tinned tomatoes although that would be an interesting selection on Ready Steady Cook!

My next plan is to try to make my 76 year old mother understand that she can’t go out because she could catch something that would kill her. You’d think it would be easy but it is surprising difficult to get it through to her (I suspect because she doesn’t want to understand it). Anyway I managed to divert her from plans which range from “lovely days out” to “picnics in the park”. The only consolation is that the weather has turned colder.

In order to keep all spirits up in the house I tried one of Rick Stein’s recipes from his latest series – Seafood Gratin. The ingredients only cost £20. There’s only 2 of us! The fishmonger told me on Saturday that the UK is running out of fish so it was probably a good thing I did it when I did. I didn’t have panko breadcrumbs so used Warburtons instead. Still, it tasted lovely, even if I do say so myself.

That’s all for now so remember – this too will pass! Stay safe and well.

Although I consider dandelions to be weeds and they should get the hell out of my garden a dandelion clock is a thing of beauty particularly when captured like this.

And therefore I’m torn between knowing that although a dandelion needs to be dug out and thrown in the compost, I do love to see a dandelion clock and then blow it away to infinite possibilities…

This blog is for me to share my thoughts and occasional rants about my life and the world as I see it. I’m not asking you to agree with me – I’m quite happy if you don’t. Let’s just keep it nice and friendly. I hope you enjoy it and can add to the vibrancy that is the unique viewpoint of Darkling Strange.