It’s now Day 1,149 of the lockdown and I’m starting to detect an air of change. I feel I’ve aged 20 years but that’s just being stuck in with Mater. Yes, she is still alive much to my surprise, if not hers. Always one to have a finger on the pulse of the modern world I’ve noticed that the roads seem to be a bit busier and there are more people in the park. This fits in with the smell of Spring in the air and the hints of renewal all around. Have we decided to release the lockdown ourselves without reference to the government or is it an optical illusion? I want to see it busier therefore it is?

The lockdown appears to have lasted forever but in fact is only 6 weeks, technically only 41 days. It just seems like 1,149. They may have seemed like the longest 6 weeks ever, even longer than summer holidays appeared when you were young but it is only 6 weeks. However, even if the lockdown was lifted tomorrow the rest of Spring and Summer will not seem like Spring and Summer as we would usually know it. There will be no sporting competitions, festivals or garden fetes or RHS shows. All of the things that we would usually attend have been cancelled. So I would encourage you to try something new this summer. Go to an art gallery, museum or follow a heritage trail. Find out something interesting about your home town and go and take a photo of it and put it on social media. Encourage members of your family to do the same. Learn to play a musical instrument or bake the ultimate cake. Take up a new non contact sport – archery, golf, geo caching, orienteering (something mad Norwegians do for a sport). Whatever you do don’t stay in and complain about the rubbish on the tv, which frankly has been terrible. We all need to acclimatise to a new normal, in fact completely write off 2020 and just skip ahead to 2021, it’ll be easier.

So don’t forget Stranglings I’m here looking out for you. Stay safe and well and remember this too will pass. See you on the other side.

I’m well known as an animal lover within my circles and I can’t remember a time when we didn’t have pets of some sort or another. I have been the mistress of both dogs and cats and for a very brief period, gerbils (not to be advised). My ideal animal is one who loves me to distraction and doesn’t beg too much when I’m eating. Ollie fits the bill here perfectly (apart from the not begging too much when I’m eating). Ollie is a Cavachon which is a cross between a Bichon Frise and a Cavalier King Charles Spaniel. As a breed they are loving, very clever, very cuddly, good guard dogs i.e. noisy and don’t shed a lot of hair so are good for those with allergies. I say breed, I’m old enough to remember when a cross breed was also known as a mongrel! We’ve had him since a pup and he’s now 3 years old.

However, the newest addition to the family is a completely different proposition. Looby Lou came to us as a rescue dog having been rescue from a puppy farm in Ireland. I cannot think how bad her life was before she came to England but she has been with us now for 3 months. She has put on weight and grown stronger with regular walks and now runs after Ollie as she has realised he is doing what dogs do on walks and she does her best to emulate him.

She has taken to Mater very well and follows her around from one end of the Castle to the other and is distraught when Mater has a bath and she is locked outside (she won’t go in the bathroom at all). Looby, though, has taken against me with a loathing which can only be imagined. The only two times during the day when I approach acceptability is when we go out for a walk and I can put her lead on or if I’m eating when she will approach me to get a titbit. Her usual response to either of these things is to do the “Dance of Anticipation” which involves dancing on her back legs whilst making a “rorroror” noise. Other than that she cannot come near me and regards me with a stink eye which if the evil eye existed would see me 6 feet under. I do not know why she has taken against me like this but she is practiced at getting her revenge for various slights she thinks I have done against her. Her usual revenge is to have a wee in my bedroom. This happened when I gave her a bath and then when I clipped her hair. I’ve taken to locking my room against her incursions but sometimes she manages to get through with Ollie. When we were accepting visitors her other speciality was acting startled whenever I came near and running away at high speed, a look of terror on her face. I’m assuming that this feeling will go with time but I’m not sure. I know it’s only 3 months but it is disheartening. I’m being made to feel like a dog batterer rather than a dog whisperer.

I don’t regret getting Looby for a moment. She is a beautiful, gentle dog who is finding out where she is in the world and the joys that world can bring. I bitterly regret that her early life was so dreadful that she cannot look upon people without thinking that they are going to cause her pain. With time and patience she may start to learn that she is safe and will be well looked after for as long as she lives. And if she could stop weeing in my bedroom I’d also be eternally grateful.

Until next time Stranglings…

By my reckoning we’re now into our third week of the UK lockdown. I can only say thank God for the ability to read and for the internet because I would have gone mad by now. There is a limit to the number of 8 letter words you can find on Countdown (requotes today thank you so much for asking) whilst noticing that it is one of the few quizzes that already practice social distancing. That at least could continue. But Pointless would have to go. You can’t stand that close to someone these days without being forced apart by a cattle prod. I’m thinking of ordering one of those from Amazon by the way. It would encourage the correct distance on pain of electric shock and provide entertainment as well.

It would appear that we have at least another 3 weeks of this lockdown to go. They’re talking about May 11th but it will be a long time until we are back to “normal”. And anyway, what will normal look like? Will we all decide to hold more food in the store cupboards? Will we remember how to shop on a whim without a list? I find it a comfort that the British have remembered how to queue. But the balance of power has changed I’ve noticed. Before the customer was always right. Now, the customer will get in the queue and be happy with the level of service we choose to give you. As an example I was stood in the queue to pay at a Sainbury’s Local* where I could see 5 members of staff. The manager was serving customers at the till. The only one serving as the queue trailed around the shop. The other 4 were discussing how Barry had said they didn’t need to listen to complaints from customers anymore. If any customer complained (about anything) they were to ask them to leave the store immediately. Now I don’t know how bad the abuse has got for store assistants during the lockdown but generally speaking I have only seen the public responding well to the difficulties in their every day lives which have suddenly appeared. We are all adjusting to the new reality and a bit of patience and understanding wouldn’t go amiss.

So moving forward we might not even have the same shops we’re used to being in. Debenhams has gone, Oasis and Warehouse are in administration. This, of course, will have a massive knock on effect on the High Street which was already struggling. Maybe we should all make a vow to visit our nearest High Street when we are freed and spend like a drunken sailor in port. The old adage of use it or lose it has never been so relevant. Think about what you’re going to do when the lockdown is lifted and make those choices wisely. More than just your convenience relies on it.

Remember this too will pass. Stay safe and well Stranglings and I’ll see you on the other side.

*Other inefficient local supermarkets are available

For those of us of a certain generation Jeremy Irons is Charles Ryder, the narrator of the sublime Brideshead Revisited. However, the real star of the tv adaptation was the house which we know as Castle Howard which seemed to take on a life of it’s own, from the chapel to the drawing rooms to the naked sunbathing on its roof (couldn’t find any pictures of that unfortunately). The very young cast are pictured below. Before Sebastian became so drunk his looks were ruined and he ended up being cared for by nuns in Morocco. Either read the book or watch the adaptation as both are equally as good. The adaptation is faithful to the text which not many adaptations are so it wins bonus points!

However, the main reason for this trip down memory lane is that I can safely say that I won’t be going to visit Chateau Strange this year which is a huge pity. The Dordogne will just have to get along without me. I’m trying to contact the caretaker there but he’s obviously off enjoying the Easter break with his mistress, Madame Beautemps so isn’t answering my questions with a traditional Gallic grunt. The French have decided to restrict international travel until 30th October which of course means that the season will be over by the time we can get there. I am disappointed of course but we’ll have to make up for it next year. I just hope that we don’t get knocked down in the crush with all the other second home owners desperate to get across and load up the boot with wine before we leave the EU properly. Don’t forget folks they might not negotiate such a great personal allowance for everyone. They might not deem it very important in the scheme of things. As long as I can get my Cremant de Bourgogne* I’ll be happy.

A bientot jus’qu’a la prochaine. Grand bisoux a tous!

* lovely fizz

I hadn’t posted over the holiday weekend as I assumed people would be marinating lamb and hiding Easter eggs in small gardens for even smaller children to find. The weather was good and I thought as I planted some hemlock to see me through the winter months that Spring had finally sprung. There were a couple of triumphs – the fountain in the grounds of Castle Strange had not worked for years but a bit of fettling (and a £50 pump from Amazon) had got the thing working thanks to a top operative. He received his weight in toilet rolls and left leaving a merry tinkling sound to enjoy which rapidly resulted in me wishing I hadn’t given him all those toilet rolls as the sound of trickling water does have an unfortunate effect. Once I’d been released from the toilet like a greyhound from the traps I found the sound very soothing (as long as I didn’t think about my bladder). At least I know my kidneys are in fine and continuous working order. Always a blessing considering my fondness for Vineyard Strange’s finest products.

The second triumph was I was able to book a click and collect slot with Tesco so I wouldn’t have to show my rebellious side in the store and walk the wrong way around the one way system they’ve installed. I only got away with it last time as they had only half installed it leading to confusion all around. Anyway I look forward to picking it up tomorrow and seeing what interesting substitutions they have decided for me – not! A weird version of every little helps! Hmmm no Warburtons Toastie but a torque set? I’ll take it as a fair swap.

It wouldn’t be Strange if something unusual hadn’t happened over the weekend. Mater received an interesting letter from her GPs surgery – the stay indoors or die letter. This letter states that because you suffer from a catalogue of underlying (or just lying) health issues then catching Covid 19 could be the end of you. They don’t want it to be the end of you in case it takes a while and they haven’t got enough staff, ventilators, PPE, beds or George Clooney as Dr Doug Ross. I haven’t got an issue with the letter per se. It’s perfectly reasonable about the actions to take to prevent catching it as much as you can. No, the issue I have with it was that it was only received on Saturday 7th April. Other minions of the Strange universe have received their letters approximately a fortnight ago. So Mater is 14 days behind being able to go out with everyone else. She’s already been in lockdown for 2 and a half weeks. Do we knock those off as a bonus or does she have to stay in for 12 weeks from last Saturday – not a pleasant prospect, for any of us. We shall approach this with a degree of common sense but I did wonder why she hadn’t received the letter that everyone else did. I had thought that maybe they were fed up with her at the surgery but it appears those fears were groundless. All in a day’s musings for Darkling.

Anyway as ever, remember! This too will pass. Stay safe and well and I’ll see you on the dark side.

Its Day 15 of the lockdown and the kitchen is finished. Mater survived the kitchen painting process with only medium level complaining about it. Her balance was surprising good after a while on the paint cans. But then falling off a lot does sharpen up the reflexes. Her list of jobs for me now include:

• Cleaning the kitchen cupboards
• Putting up the pictures (no! not there! Make it higher and more central)
• Putting up other pictures (no! that’s too high – you can’t see it. Do it properly)
• Rearranging the furniture in the kitchen
• Putting the furniture back
• Bathing the dogs (no I know…)

I may not survive all of this – I know Mater won’t… I’m dreading her moving onto another cell in the Stalag.

However, we are managing to stay positive during the time we’re under lockdown. A highlight was getting an 8 letter word on Countdown (canniest thank you so much for asking). I did a lap of the living room in celebration. Shot down in flames though on the numbers round. C’est la vie. Or just an inability to remember a times table.

Mater is keeping herself busy planning nice days out for us – for next week. I keep telling her we’ll be in lockdown for the next month at least but she’s not listening. Probably can’t face the horror of it all, staying at home with her nearest and dearest. It’s enough to drive you screaming to the demon drink (if I wasn’t already there…)

Remember people this too will pass. Stay safe and well and I’ll see you on the other side.

As the weather gets warmer we all start to think about the garden and the sights of buds on trees and new shoots on plants pushing through the earth can be both beautiful and calming elements to assist our mental health. This is the time of year I get very enthusiastic about gardening (pity it doesn’t last throughout the year) and I tend to spend a lot of time planning how the garden will look. Of course, in my head it is always perfect, full of colour and interest with creative planting and instinctively good landscaping. The reality, as we all know will be very different. But this is the triumph of hope over experience which is my usual relationship with gardening. In April and May the possibilities are endless. By July you sort have admitted defeat and by September you’re just not looking at the garden when you go out. Its always a bad break up.

I have managed to keep some things alive despite my natural inclination to kill everything. These include patio fruit trees which I have successfully grown for four years. In that time I have harvested the grand total of 1 small (but beautifully marked) apple. This is from 2 apple trees, 1 pear tree, 1 cherry tree and a plum tree. I continue with my endeavours but it is a thankless task if you’re after at least one of your five a day.

Whilst you’re out exercising have a good gawp in your neighbours garden and see what they’ve got growing there. Take time to enjoy the miracle of nature unfolding before your eyes. Because before you know it it’s gone and you’ll have to wait another year to see it again. At this difficult time if we can do nothing else we can take time to appreciate nature in all it’s glory. Do it today.

Amongst the many things I didn’t know is that today (Saturday 4th April) is International Carrot Day. Who knew the humble carrot needed bigging up to this extent. Possibly it was looking at a young carrot getting lost in the bottom of the veg drawer and thought to itself “Nobody puts Baby Carrot in a corner”. Next thing you know its got a major advertising campaign for Aldi and an International Day, flaunting its 1000 year history and Afghani past. Its also changed its colour over the years having started off purple and moved to orange which apparently was more acceptable (explain that to a beetroot!).

Carrots are of course very woke. There is never an unacceptable carrot shape, size or number of appendages. They are naturally quiet on the subject of their sexuality and gender. Because they get bullied by the parsnips who troll them on social media.

Sew some carrot seeds today. If you have any. Or any compost. Or anything to put them in.

Find out more at #InternationalCarrotDay and cook some carrots today!

I’m going to blame Richard Osman’s House of Games because I keep seeing Slebs picking the fondue set as a prize and Castle Strange doesn’t like to be behind the times so I decided to go for it and order one. I mean who doesn’t like melted cheese? Of course it was another object lesson in modern day efficiency in that it didn’t even come with a starter gel set (so had to order one of those) and it didn’t come with a little recipe book which these things used to. So now I’m stuck with slabs of cheese on a stick. I could do that with a box of cocktail sticks and pack of Dairy Lee slices but hey ho. Once I get the fondue gel I’ll google a fondue recipe and hope for the best.

Of course I could also do a chocolate fondue (unknown in the 70’s) but I forgot to buy any chocolate last time I was out getting the bare essentials allowed in these difficult times. The gel is due to arrive next week just in time for Easter. I may suggest it for Easter Sunday lunch – see how well it goes down …

So this seems to be an excellent step forward in my attempt to eat my own bodyweight each day I’m in lockdown. I’ll let you know how I get on.